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I sit here nursing a throat cold (it hasn't decided if it wants to go up to my head or down to my chest) and I find that I've become introspective. Every holiday season, the world becomes heavy. There's the obvious things: the dark, the cold, the stress of finding the perfect gift, dealing with the idiot crowds, listening to the same holiday music over and over again, dealing with relatives that you don't like at the best of times and certainly don't like when they're drunk, not dealing with relatives because the ties have been irreversibly severed either through death or personal action, stress over the large upcoming meals when one is attempting to loose weight.
I know that I am feeling depressed, for all the above reasons and more, and maybe that's why I'm feeling the heaviness of the world. I'd like to think that it's just me, that the rest of the world is joyous, but when I read other people's journals I realize that we all seem depressed, or lonely, or quiet, or introspective, or all of the above.
So I'm siting here, mourning these things, attempting to feel sorry for myself, and all I can see in my mind's eye is the OC Transpo Food Bank bus, with the huge sign asking for baby food. I don't know why it never occurred to me before. I guess it's easy to look at the adults who need the food bank and come up with all the statements that I was taught as a middle class american. I'm sure you've heard them all before, so I won't reiterate them here. And while I logically knew that there were families, babies never occurred to me. ... maybe I'm depressed because I'm feeling a level of wealth-guilt.
Maybe my problem is that I saw a program on the Haajj today. Fo those who don't know, the Haajj is the pilgrimage to Mecca that every Muslim with the means is expected to go on at least once in their lifetime. The show made me realize just how lacking I have been in any form of religion. I've tried the High Anglican church, and that wasn't right. While I view myself as a Christian, I don't think any organized church will be right. I tried Wicca, but even that is too rigid, as most of the sources I've looked into have been Alexandrian. Maybe I'm depressed because I have no center.
Oh look, the cold medicine has made me ramble. Maybe it isn't depression at all, maybe it's just winter in all her white and grey glory.
I know that I am feeling depressed, for all the above reasons and more, and maybe that's why I'm feeling the heaviness of the world. I'd like to think that it's just me, that the rest of the world is joyous, but when I read other people's journals I realize that we all seem depressed, or lonely, or quiet, or introspective, or all of the above.
So I'm siting here, mourning these things, attempting to feel sorry for myself, and all I can see in my mind's eye is the OC Transpo Food Bank bus, with the huge sign asking for baby food. I don't know why it never occurred to me before. I guess it's easy to look at the adults who need the food bank and come up with all the statements that I was taught as a middle class american. I'm sure you've heard them all before, so I won't reiterate them here. And while I logically knew that there were families, babies never occurred to me. ... maybe I'm depressed because I'm feeling a level of wealth-guilt.
Maybe my problem is that I saw a program on the Haajj today. Fo those who don't know, the Haajj is the pilgrimage to Mecca that every Muslim with the means is expected to go on at least once in their lifetime. The show made me realize just how lacking I have been in any form of religion. I've tried the High Anglican church, and that wasn't right. While I view myself as a Christian, I don't think any organized church will be right. I tried Wicca, but even that is too rigid, as most of the sources I've looked into have been Alexandrian. Maybe I'm depressed because I have no center.
Oh look, the cold medicine has made me ramble. Maybe it isn't depression at all, maybe it's just winter in all her white and grey glory.