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wyntir_knightI am so tired. ... And its not just a physical thing. It doesn't help that I am physically exhausted. I asked my agency for a week off, and my rep accepted an extension on my contract anyways. Admittedly, I got a heafty raise, but that's not the point. I am working 37.5 hours a week doing data entry (a mind numbing task), then I get home and I get to unpack boxes (by myself because my family is useless right now). To top it all off, last night the wind picked up and started blowing dirt around. It was hitting the house and sounded like the roof was goinh to be ripped off. Needless to say, I got very little sleep.
But when I talk of being tired, I mean that I am mentally and spiritually tired. I am just tired. There are days when I feel like crawling under the covers and not bothering to get up. There are days when I just want to go away to a small cottage in the woods somewhere with my books and my cat and leave it all behind.
I am just tired of it all. I am tired of the shallow people. I am tired of putting myself out there only to be shot down by a comment or a look. I am tired of having to be the strong one. The other day I actually wished I would get sick enough to be hospitalized so that people would come and see me and hope that I'd feel better instead of saying: "Gee that's tough, now here's my problem."
Unfortunately, I know full well what all this means. I'm getting depressed again. I haven't been depressed for a few months now, but I know its coming back. I recognize the signs. I think I need to get out or something. I need to do something to break this cycle, because I know what comes next.
I've been feeling sorry for myself and I've been binging. I've entered the sleep phase of things. Next comes the memories of pain, and I don't want to do that. I'll start being mean to people I love, trying to push them away. I think I'm trying to reinforce my world view at that point. It's never gotten worse than that, and I don't want it to.
Its never gotten to the point of self-destruction with my dad. He always goes back up happy before then, so I have no reason to believe that it'll be the case with me. .. But I do fear it sometimes.
But when I talk of being tired, I mean that I am mentally and spiritually tired. I am just tired. There are days when I feel like crawling under the covers and not bothering to get up. There are days when I just want to go away to a small cottage in the woods somewhere with my books and my cat and leave it all behind.
I am just tired of it all. I am tired of the shallow people. I am tired of putting myself out there only to be shot down by a comment or a look. I am tired of having to be the strong one. The other day I actually wished I would get sick enough to be hospitalized so that people would come and see me and hope that I'd feel better instead of saying: "Gee that's tough, now here's my problem."
Unfortunately, I know full well what all this means. I'm getting depressed again. I haven't been depressed for a few months now, but I know its coming back. I recognize the signs. I think I need to get out or something. I need to do something to break this cycle, because I know what comes next.
I've been feeling sorry for myself and I've been binging. I've entered the sleep phase of things. Next comes the memories of pain, and I don't want to do that. I'll start being mean to people I love, trying to push them away. I think I'm trying to reinforce my world view at that point. It's never gotten worse than that, and I don't want it to.
Its never gotten to the point of self-destruction with my dad. He always goes back up happy before then, so I have no reason to believe that it'll be the case with me. .. But I do fear it sometimes.
