midnight ramblings
13 November 2004 23:38![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wyntir_knightI'm finding myself bloody antsy lately, and I can't figure out exactly why. ... Things seem to be strange here.
My baby brother is engaged, and I'm thrilled for them both, but it did seem to remind me of what I've missed out on, growing up with adults rather than children ... There are times that I feel like I missed out on alot, especially in the romance department. While my brother was busy hitting the dating scene in high school, I was hiding in the back locker bay. ... I sometimes wonder if that had to do with the fact that I was raised around adults in an academic environment, while my brother was involved in sports and day care. I wonder how much of it has to do with socialization and how much is written beforehand ... the old question of nurture or nature. I always was painfully shy and prone to hysterics, thus easy to mock. My pre-conditioner hair and weight didn't help matters either. But while I sat back at took it, my brother fought back. Would I have been more confident if I had fought back? Does the fact that I was raised with the attitudes reserved for girls effect things?
While I do feel depressed and deprived, I wonder if I would change anything if given the chance. The times that hurt really hurt, to the point that I felt I would never recover. But I did recover, and move on, and, I like to think that I have grown from the small experience that I have had. At the same time, I wonder what if ....
There was time, not so long ago, when I would be considered an old maid at 30 and single. They say that that's changed, but I have to wonder who they are ...
The strangeness comes from more than from just the engagement and thoughts of what might have been. ... Recently an older couple on my street died in a tragic accident. The couple was not well liked, in fact the husband was considered to be potentially unbalanced. Everyone was polite and courteous to this couple and no one wished them harm, but no one went out of their way to deal with them. Last week, the wife went missing. The women on my street immediately thought that she had finally left him, and the men jumped to the conclusion that he had done something to her. Either way, it turned out that the couple was dead. No information was forthcoming from the children, so, of course the rumours started to fly. Regardless of the cause, two lives have been lost, and I feel for the family in the same way that I feel about a death I read in the paper. I may have lived near these people for 26 years, but they were strangers to me, and I did not know them well enough to mourn them on a personal level. No one in the neighbourhood did. This couple liked their privacy, and strove to keep it.
The rest of the neighbourhood, my mother included, is taking it upon themselves to bring the tragedy up at every opportunity. My mother is mentioning how this has her shaken up to everyone she meets, and every time she tells the story she insists on adding that the man killed the woman, then killed himself. We have no clue that this occurred, and yet she is spreading gossip. She, and several other women, have discussed going to the wake, even though no one would have given them the time of day in life, and the men all think it is a bad idea. There is a portion that is finding the hypocrisy ridiculous. You despise a person in life, but you publicly act like a friend after death?
But I am also wondering if I should be feeling worse about this. Should I be having nightmares and be shaken up over it? Is this a sign of complete emotional detachment? ... One woman that my mom spoke to blamed it on the fall of close-knit communities. Regardless of the cause, the whole thing has me feeling unhinged every time my mom goes on about it like she knew and liked the couple.
I just don't get it. I think I need a long vacation away from everything.
My baby brother is engaged, and I'm thrilled for them both, but it did seem to remind me of what I've missed out on, growing up with adults rather than children ... There are times that I feel like I missed out on alot, especially in the romance department. While my brother was busy hitting the dating scene in high school, I was hiding in the back locker bay. ... I sometimes wonder if that had to do with the fact that I was raised around adults in an academic environment, while my brother was involved in sports and day care. I wonder how much of it has to do with socialization and how much is written beforehand ... the old question of nurture or nature. I always was painfully shy and prone to hysterics, thus easy to mock. My pre-conditioner hair and weight didn't help matters either. But while I sat back at took it, my brother fought back. Would I have been more confident if I had fought back? Does the fact that I was raised with the attitudes reserved for girls effect things?
While I do feel depressed and deprived, I wonder if I would change anything if given the chance. The times that hurt really hurt, to the point that I felt I would never recover. But I did recover, and move on, and, I like to think that I have grown from the small experience that I have had. At the same time, I wonder what if ....
There was time, not so long ago, when I would be considered an old maid at 30 and single. They say that that's changed, but I have to wonder who they are ...
The strangeness comes from more than from just the engagement and thoughts of what might have been. ... Recently an older couple on my street died in a tragic accident. The couple was not well liked, in fact the husband was considered to be potentially unbalanced. Everyone was polite and courteous to this couple and no one wished them harm, but no one went out of their way to deal with them. Last week, the wife went missing. The women on my street immediately thought that she had finally left him, and the men jumped to the conclusion that he had done something to her. Either way, it turned out that the couple was dead. No information was forthcoming from the children, so, of course the rumours started to fly. Regardless of the cause, two lives have been lost, and I feel for the family in the same way that I feel about a death I read in the paper. I may have lived near these people for 26 years, but they were strangers to me, and I did not know them well enough to mourn them on a personal level. No one in the neighbourhood did. This couple liked their privacy, and strove to keep it.
The rest of the neighbourhood, my mother included, is taking it upon themselves to bring the tragedy up at every opportunity. My mother is mentioning how this has her shaken up to everyone she meets, and every time she tells the story she insists on adding that the man killed the woman, then killed himself. We have no clue that this occurred, and yet she is spreading gossip. She, and several other women, have discussed going to the wake, even though no one would have given them the time of day in life, and the men all think it is a bad idea. There is a portion that is finding the hypocrisy ridiculous. You despise a person in life, but you publicly act like a friend after death?
But I am also wondering if I should be feeling worse about this. Should I be having nightmares and be shaken up over it? Is this a sign of complete emotional detachment? ... One woman that my mom spoke to blamed it on the fall of close-knit communities. Regardless of the cause, the whole thing has me feeling unhinged every time my mom goes on about it like she knew and liked the couple.
I just don't get it. I think I need a long vacation away from everything.
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no subject
Date: 14 Nov 2004 07:07 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Nov 2004 16:39 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Nov 2004 14:52 (UTC)And yeah, you sound like you need a vacation. Perhaps you should go for a "Holiday in Cambodia" with Jaximama? A change is as good as a rest.
And don't worry, you are not the only one who thinks some of life's choicest experiences passed you by for others. I feel like that all the time, look around and you will find many others who do. We cope as best we can. I have some very good friends who take good care of me and I can forget by throwing myself into my gaming hobby, but every now and then when I see two people together, or I hear that two of my friends are getting married or having kids, I wonder about the road not taken - that I couldn't pay the toll for.
You are definately not alone.
no subject
Date: 14 Nov 2004 16:18 (UTC)As for you brother, my sister has what I think I wanted the whole husband and family. I watched it happen and it felt odd. But in the last few years I realized having no limimtations is a positive as well you just got to take advantage of them. I guess here it is looked as more independant - doesn't stop the matchmakers though from what I heard.
Less than 5 weeks (4 weeks 6 days - yes I am counting)and I will be home and there is so much I need to do. I am bring home suitcase in prep. of shopping should I bring you back with me? - Okay maybe I should wait till my summer vacation - Summer Solcase here is a holiday.
Miss you lots. If you every need to talk call me and tell me to call you back. It is cheaper for me to call you than you to call me - i learned that this week - i live in Canada but I am international
while I can't offer a vacation
Date: 14 Nov 2004 20:37 (UTC)no subject
Date: 14 Nov 2004 20:49 (UTC)Secondly, i think your reaction to the couple dying is more normal then others. If you don't feel then it is because there is no reason to. Really, the people that are "feeling" pain an lost and are shaken are people that are less then honest with themselves and the people they talk with. If they truly felt anything for the couple then they would have befriended them while alive. Anything less is just dishonest. I respect your feelings, or lack there of, on the matter, then the personnal who is moved by the tradegy of others. Yours is honest, and honesty like that is rare, and a blessing.
no subject
Date: 14 Nov 2004 21:37 (UTC)I thank you all.